he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
