I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
