Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
