I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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