My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
