I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
