like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
