mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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