I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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