My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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