you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
