I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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