I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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