so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
