First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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