1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
