I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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