everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
