Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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