My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
