so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
