apparently the secret to your success is patron
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
