The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
