I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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