There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
