so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
