I am in a vortex of obligation.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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