just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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