Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
