I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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