My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
