In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
