Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
