I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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