so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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