On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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