I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
