Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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