This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
