We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
