im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
