Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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