I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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