And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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