@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
How's work?
Spinning.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
