everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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