The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
