Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
