did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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