My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
