In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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