Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You have to summon your inner elephant
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
