Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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