I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
