I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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