she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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