I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
